Posted on January 18, 2021
In the past few months, life has organized itself in a way that’s allowed my wild feminine heart to emerge.
She is radiant, powerful, expressive, bold, daring, fierce, playful, sassy, seductive, lets things be chaotic and messy, can be dramatic, is connected to the pulse of Gaia, is deeply loving, and of course – WILD.
What I’ve been learning from her is that she takes no bullshit. She sees right through the strategies and manipulation (aka toxic masculine energy, which both females and males have, that isn’t a dig at men) and says No. Thank. You. Or a sassy, “Oh, hell nooooo!” when it’s warranted. I’ve been having fun with the sass ;p
She’s been teaching me all about how to stand firm in my no and what I allow into my energy. The boundaries she’s been enforcing are FIERCE. So fierce they’ve made me break down on multiple occasions, crying into a crumbled pile of guilt and shame while I ask if it’s really okay for me to love myself this much? To the point of not being there for loved ones when they need me? To not overstep the boundaries she’s telling me keep me safe? To not defend or justify my actions to others? To choose myself, above all else??? That’s an option??!!!!!
This has been a complex request for me to understand, make space for, and honor. What does it even look like to not put other’s wants and needs before my own? What will happen when I don’t do what they want me to do? Of course I fear I will lose them. That they’ll take away their love and believe I am some witch from hell with a cold, black heart. Woof. Yeah, that description of the fear sounds accurate. These unconscious beliefs run deep my friends. Tis the result of generational oppression and trauma of all beings. Including the Earth.
And so, this is where the play comes in. I’ve been playing with this energy. What does it feel like to express myself boldly from my wild fem heart? In what ways does She want to move her hips as she walks? What little snicker or sass does She wish to share? Can She own her pointed gaze? How openly will She dare to be seen? How wide can She expand her heart? How much love can She gift, even in adversity? Will She offer her gifts at their full capacity? Or will I allow her to shrink in fear of what others may think? Will I allow the conditioning of shame to silence her deepest expression and the fear of judgement make her mess into a a problem?
Will She melt into a vulnerability hang-over for days after being so expansive, expressive, and open?
How deeply I allow myself to bear witness to these wild, chaotic, feminine parts is the degree to which I know them, embody them, and grant permission for others. I only know boldness by allowing some cockiness. I only understand fierceness by allowing some bitchiness. I only know my full expression by allowing some drama.
I have been daring myself to walk the line of these energies so I know where the line is! I’ve been allowing myself to explore her edges and play with the different expressions of her feminine body. She wishes to be known and allowed to be.
She unabashedly wants to let go, and be free.
And so, I bow to thee.
To see how I’ve been awakening my wild fem heart, check out my social media for some badass posts where I express her through fierce, sassy, and seductive dance and play!
In honor of the wild fem <3
Posted on December 23, 2020
Happy Holi-days to you! I wish you tidings of great joy and cheer now and always.
What a year this has been – for all of us – I have been going through a death and rebirthing process right along this darkest night of Winter Solstice and the conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter, and what I’m most present too as I sit down to write you my monthly newsletter, is that I am grateful.
As painful as loss is, I am grateful for it. It has taught me how resilient I am. It has shown me that I am much much more capable than what I thought. It’s pointed to where I lack boundaries. It’s gotten me more comfortable with saying see ya later, not now, and even goodbye. Its granted me a greater connection to the realm of Spirit and shown me just how intricately everything in the Universe is one.
I am grateful to winter for modeling how to let go. To allow change and hibernation and turning inward. For showing us that death is a natural part of the life cycle.
Dear nature, I am grateful for you. Thank you for showing us humans the way, always.
I’ve been on an internal journey the last few months with not much to share openly or publicly. I’m honoring my hearts request for more quiet, peace, and solitude.
Right now I’m out in the country of Iowa, enjoying the land and space. I’ll be here through the holidays and am grateful to be with my blood kin.
I’m going to go back inward now. I just wanted to come out and wish you well and let you know I’m still here. If you’d like to know more about my transformation process, you can check out my IG where I’ve been spontaneously sharing videos of performing alchemy through dance. It’s been so therapeutic, enlivening, and fun.
Until the New Year beloveds, peace be unto you!
Posted on November 16, 2020
This past week I have been exploring this fear that lives deep inside my heart. It hurts. It feels tight and contracted. Ancient and new. To be completely honest, it has been scaring the shit out of me. I so badly wish to tuck it away, never to be felt or glimpsed again, but deep down, I know I am meant to feel this.
How do I know I am meant to feel this? Because it’s here. It’s part of me. A long lost forgotten part desiring to be seen, felt and heard. To be gotten in a way that I’ve never known. But my small self says, “this is extremely painful and hard work!” to go toward the thing I most resist…takes great courage, softening, patience and commitment to my Higher Whole.
When I quiet down and listen, I hear it calling me forth to see this fear as specific, unique, information that is liberation for my soul. Whispering, “don’t you dare to know yourself in a way you never have before?” Its roar is loud and can be frightening. If I don’t listen it gets louder….and what’s so freeing is that when I do stop and give it my attention, it calms down.
Oh how freeing it is to go into the internal flames of the soul and come out alive on the other side!! I can see that my fear, these so called dark places inside of me, want to be known, they want to be a part of me, they desire to be integrated so that I can be more of me that I came here to Be. Those same flames that I believe will take me down to my death, are the exact same energies that will fuel my life in new and untold ways.
In deepening into these truths, I feel my chest soften and I give a big, releasing exhale. Yes, this is what I came here for. I’m remembering now. I see that I had forgotten my one undying truth.
That I AM the one I’ve always been looking for. That I hold the keys to everything I desire. And to truly, fully receive the fullness of my Being, I must dive deep, into the coldest, loneliness places of my heart and take care of the one that longs for mommy and daddy to hold her, love her, and tell her that everything’s going to be okay.
I AM my Mother. I AM my Father. I Am my Child, Sibling and Best Friend.
I AM the Romantic Partner I so ignorantly believed could be fulfilled outside of me.
Let it be known that everything I seek outside is to be redirected and found within.
I ask myself to soften into these anxious monsters that live inside my heart and allow them to Be. I breathe and give them acceptance. You are a part of me, it would be so silly to deny your truth. I ask myself to fully receive them.
To no longer run from myself. But to run toward the places within me that need me most.
Hold them. Love them. Give them my compassion and forgiveness.
I unchain myself from the conditioned restrictions, limiting beliefs and cultural pain projected upon me from past, present and future timelines.
I ground, open and exhale.
Everything is material for my liberation. ~Yajrayogini
Posted on October 6, 2020
If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you may know that I just completed a 7 day Chakra Juice Cleanse yesterday. If you didn’t know that and would like to see how my progress went day in and day out, you can watch my video dairies on my IG page, Lisalolaliving, or see photos of the juices and affirmations on FB, Lisa Lola Healing Arts.
So post cleanse, how am I feeling my first day? I’m actually a little rough this morning. I had a hard time sleeping again last night with some anxiety, and I woke feeling kind of depleted, out of it, and like my moon is about to start.
As I sat and journaled this morning I saw that feeling that way makes sense though. I went through a huge expansion this past week on the cleanse, and now, I may be contracting some, as the heart does – it expands and contracts – and that it’s a necessary part of the process.
I opened up wide and let go of A LOT during those 7 days. I let go of life as I knew it, as I see how much I revolved around my hot morning drink, lunchtime and dinner. I saw how much I’ve been conditioned to plan my life around food, obsess about when I’m going to eat, and make a big fuss when I’m feeling some hunger pains. I see how much this takes me out of the moment and steals my free flow of attention and creativity.
During this cleanse, my whole schedule got transformed. I was no longer chained to the common food routines of shopping, cooking, mealtimes, cleanup….it was so amazing to be free of all these tasks for a week and I got so much more done! Way more than I thought I would as I scheduled in some down time, not knowing how I’d feel. I felt so f’in free.
I also let go of chewing, gluten, dairy, grains, eggs, fish, corn, processed sugar, coffee….it was so cool to see how my cells were buzzing from the insurmountable amounts of veggies and fruits I was “eating.” I then read that a 16oz juice is the equivalent of 2.5lbs of veggies and fruits….WHOA! and I was drinking six, 12-14oz juices a day….no wonder I was zinging right along! Not to mention how wonderful it was to give my digestion a break for a whole week. Outstanding.
Then besides the more physical, noticeable things I let go of, I also let go of a lot of stories I created about my abilities. I really never thought I could do this so easily. I truly thought I’d be hungry and cranky and struggling against my food attachments the entire time, but I wasn’t. It was actually fairly easy. From this I see how I have really limited myself in the past and that I’m far more capable than I ever fathomed.
To me, if I can do a 7 day juice cleanse with nothing else, I can do anything. Challenging my relationship to the thing (food) that gives me so much comfort, connection, calm, joy, safety and stability is one of my greatest victories. I showed myself that I can expand beyond what my mind believes to be possible and that my comfort, safety, joy is not from a source outside myself, I generate that from within. I Am my own Creator. I Am the one that provides me stability. I Am the one that generates joy. I Am…I Am…I Am…I Am the one I’ve been looking for. It feels amazing to take my power back and show myself just how damn powerful I Am!
….And now it has me wondering, “I wonder what else I can do that I previously thought I couldn’t? I wonder what else the Universe has in store for my greatest good? I wonder where else I can challenge myself and tear down some walls?” It’s fun to explore that space and see what pops up.
So now, I’m asking you. Where have you blocked yourself in your abilities? What stories have you made up about what’s possible? What are you ready to let go of that isn’t serving you and do you believe you can? Please please, I’d love to hear your responses and support you in being a space of listening and encouragement to tell you that you can do anything! Anything!
Remember, a belief is just a thought we think over and over again. Start thinking some new thoughts about your capabilities today, repeat that day after day, and you’ll have a new, highly improved belief system.
Because there’s nothing better than setting out to do something you thought you couldn’t do, and doing it. The spiritual progress I was looking for, has been served.
PS: If you’d like to know more about this cleanse or purchase it, it’s called Living Well from Cafe Gratitude here in KC. It’s based on the 7 chakra system from the yogic tradition, and anyone who purchases in the next 2 weeks and mentions LisaLola receives a $50 gift card to post cleanse foods from them! They’re an all organic, plant-based vegan restaurant and the quality is one of the best in town. I highly recommend them and trust their source of produce.
Updated on September 9, 2020
I’m embarking upon another solar year as I look to celebrate the day I was born at the end of this week, some 12,775 days ago! (I’ll let you calculate how many years that is 😉
At this point in my life, I feel really blessed, and also, still pretty stressed. Stressed more than I’d like to admit, as I’m still figuring out how to run a business, manage the high amounts of creative desire I have, keep myself healthy, and maintain the level of relationships that truly feed my soul.
I wish I was at that point where I could say, “I’m too blessed to be stressed” but I’m not there yet. Currently I’m in the midst of really looking at what’s my true Yes and how do I lovingly say, No.
From the beginning, I’ve been very fortunate to have success in my work. But no one really talks about how to manage everything that comes along with it. All the desires and requests from the outside world are exhausting if I’m not keeping my agreements with myself in what keeps me healthy, and holding clear boundaries of No to what just isn’t resonating.
I see that if I stay in reality, the answers are clear. They are typically my first instinct, but feelings of guilt often trickle in, where I make myself wrong and put others needs before my own. When we are feeling stuck, it’s not because of anything happening in reality, stuckness is created in the mind of shoulds and should nots. The mind gets stuck because it thinks things should be different. We should feel differently than we do and offer more than what’s naturally there.
Finding that key point of resonance within my body is the sweet nectar to all my questions. What feels good? Is the ongoing inquiry, and the answer cannot be made up, it’s just what arises from pure authenticity.
So as I embark upon 12,775 days, and am “middle aged” by some statistics viewpoints, I ask myself for the love of the Goddess herself Lisa, what feels good to you?
Can we please just try that on for a while?
This is my prayer and intention for these next 365 days. If you’re reading this and see me, I dare you to ask me how it’s going ;p
Happy Birthday to little, medium, and big me !!
Posted on August 14, 2020
I write to you from a place called Chugiak, Alaska. I am here on a girls trip with my mother, surrogate mom – the woman who watched me from the time I was an infant to an adolescent – and her daughter, who was like my kid sister as a child, a few years younger than me.
It’s been so fun and interesting to reconnect with these people that I shared daily space with as a child. I have been reminded of many old feelings and memories of them and what it was like to be in their “family.” Many things that make me laugh and are humorous, other things that haven’t changed at all, and new things they’ve picked up through their life. So interesting to see what’s changed and what hasn’t after a 20+ year hiatus.
Alaska is beautiful, and to be honest I hadn’t ever really thought about visiting here. I love to travel and am always thinking about the next place I want to go, but this one just seemed so far off in my mind. But then I got the opportunity when my kid sister came on my Guatemala retreat earlier this year and proposed it to me. I immediately jumped at the invite and we began planning.
What I’m most present to in Alaska is how much space there is. To help you gauge, the Kansas City metro area is about 2.34 million people in 7,952 square miles. Whereas the whole state of Alaska has a population of 731,545 in 663,300 square miles. Alaska is big! Alaska is bigger than Texas, California, and Montana combined. My mind got blown by this comparison, and it really had me start thinking about how much different it feels spatially when I’m in KC, vs here.
Being here and staying at place that I’d call “out in the country” where I’m surrounded by trees and nature, it feels very expansive and open, and my energy body follows that of my environment. I have naturally started to unwind and settle into a slower pace. I’ve slept like a rock here for the most part and my breath has been full and deep.
There’s a silence here that I can’t even put words too, and a stillness that can’t be achieved, it just is. I’m able to access this super stillness when I really slow myself down and tune into the ever present moment of now. This place is calm and my mind has completely harmonized with my being. From this place a natural state of bliss arose where I was excited and ecstatic for the moment. A joy rose from within and a happiness of being. Being here. Being now. Being me.
When I settle into these places of deep content, it feels like the moment could go on forever. Time erupts as my mind has known it and the ever-present-ness of the moment feels ever-expanding. It feels like a retreat into myself without needing to go anywhere. This is the experience of the inward journey. The movement into oneself where everything and no-thing exist. The place that has all the answers, which I’m finding are a series of the same answers each time, yet feel new each time. A few I’m experiencing…
you are the peace that you seek
you have the love that you desire
you are not the anger
you are not the stories
you are the fullness of life
you are no different from the other
you are the teacher that you seek
you are connected to source energy
you are of the same essence of All
These are sayings we hear over and over again on the consciousness path, yet actually experiencing them in a felt sense is totally different. These aren’t concepts I’m trying to convey. They’re witnessing’s of my
I-AM-ness of the moment. Can you tell the difference? Drop down from your head and read the list again from your body.
Giving ourselves space is required to access these truths. They are always there, but in the heavy distractions of modern day living, they can be easily missed and seemingly difficult to experience.
I am grateful to you Alaska, for all the space so that I may remember the truth of my essence. What a wonderful reset this has been.
Updated on July 15, 2020
What I am most present to today is how much holding back my truth impacts me across all areas of my life. Because essentially, I am blocking energy, and energies natural function is to move.
When it doesn’t move, problems (or opportunities for growth, depending how you look at it) arise. These “problem opportunities” can go so far to manifest in physical form, in the creation of dis-ease, or in emotional form, like depression, or in mental form, like anxiety, the list goes on and on.
Holding back your truth may also show up like not knowing what to do with your life. Not feeling like you have a purpose or can tune into your mission, because when we hold ourselves back in one thing, we hold ourselves back in everything. It’s all connected, right?
Initiations are granted to us by the Universe so we can push beyond the limitations of our small self and transcend into more expansive states of consciousness, and oftentimes, initiations aren’t fun. They don’t feel good and my ego likes to think it’s never going to end, but I know it will end (move) to the degree that I remove resistance from it, as much as I can.
When I’m not resisting my life, new possibilities show up, because I’m no longer getting in the way. When I object, make wrong, try to force, fix and change, I’m no longer in my role, I’m in Creator’s role. And no matter how much I try to control the situation, I am not going to win, at least not in the long-run.
So what’s the best thing I can do? Align my vibration. What about when all this chaos is happening in the world? Align my vibration. What I mean by that specifically is ground to the Earth, open through your heart, connect to Source, and be guided by what feels good to you. When we’re following what feels good, there is little to no resistance.
Abraham Hicks calls it “Getting into the Vortex” which means getting yourself into a high vibrational state. This state is full of frequencies matching vibrations like ease and flow, gratitude and grace, joy and understanding. It does not include vibes like shame, blame, greed and self-righteousness. When we access our vortex, everything around us works itself out. So we needn’t go out and “do” in the world, what needs doing, will come.
I especially like Abraham’s Morning Rampage to start my day, here’s one of my favorites: https://youtu.be/FmczMP1gQzk
Blessed be to you dear ones. May you align to the Source within and connect to your I AM presence of all that is Whole, Well, and Complete.
In peace and space and grace,
Posted on June 10, 2020
For this month’s newsletter, I first want to share a quote by Bene Brown that is really resonating with me:
“Normal never was. Our pre-Corona existence was not normal other than we normalized greed, inequity, exhaustion, depletion, extraction, disconnection, confusion, rage, hoarding, hate, and lack. We should not long to return, my friends. We are being given an opportunity to stitch a new garment: one that includes ALL of humanity and NATURE.”
The way we have been living is not normal. The way we’ve been treating ourselves, each other and our home, the Earth, is not normal.
What’s it going to take for us humans to wake up? What’s it going to take for us to speak up and be vocally anti-racist and not just quietly non-racist?
What can we do? What can I do to empower movement for social justice of all POC and put an end to police brutality and white supremacy?
Who am I to take a stand?
These are questions I’ve been pondering the last few weeks since the horrific murder of George Floyd. And to be honest, I really don’t know. I am a novice when it comes to being an activist and truthfully, following current affairs. Admittedly I am seeing how I’ve been sticking my head in the sand out of “protection” for my empathic-ness and sensitivity, and I do believe some of that is necessary, and I am also finding there comes a time when we need to look. We need to bear witness to the injustices all around us and say something, act, and not let cruelty go unnoticed.
I want to stop hiding behind my fear of saying the wrong thing, looking ignorant or stirring up “messes” that could potentially negatively affect my life. How privileged am I that I even have a choice not to look? Not to say something? How privileged am I that I can hide from it and deny it’s truth?
I’ve truly been at a loss these last few weeks. I’m not saying there isn’t a silver lining, because I know there is. I’m not saying we haven’t learned a lot from Covid, we have.
What I’m saying is that I have been deeply saddened in how we’ve come to treat each other – our brothers and sisters – with such hate and malice. I’ve been mourning all the Black Lives we’ve lost to police brutality and stupidity. I’m grieving for there lives not lived and stopped abruptly. I’m grieving for the shock of their families. I’m just letting myself grieve.
I don’t need to move on from here yet. I don’t need to make it into a spiritual lesson yet. I don’t need to try and create a reasoning. None of that. Just here, in the grief. Using the momentum from the anger I feel as a catalyst to start where I can, and that’s by educating myself.
I’m honoring their Spirit by allowing the grieving process and doing the only thing I know how too from my place of white privilege, starting a book club on White Fragility with other white women to expand our knowledge and hopefully generate discussion that brings new awareness and creates change. (I’m also innocently and ironically laughing at the whiteness of this)
But even that just feels like a tiny pebble among billions and billions of grains of sand. It doesn’t feel like enough, but it’s a start. I’m grateful to all those fighting for justice, peacefully protesting, standing up and using their voice, praying for peace, and who are willing to join the conversation and are no longer willing to normalize inequality. I stand with you, as best as I can and know how. I commit to learning, growing, and stitching a new garment — one that works for EVERY-BODY.
Lastly, I wanted to share this writing that I found on Facebook. I posted it myself from a friends page, and it bears repeating.
I am white. And female. I am a citizen of the United States of America.
Here is what I know:
If I were suspected of using counterfeit money, chances are I would be asked to leave the store, but in the case that the police were called, I would NOT be thrown to the ground and mounted with knees in my neck. I WOULD STILL BE ALIVE. #GeorgeFloyd #ISTILLcantbreathe #blackwhileshopping
If a friend who was under investigation sent a package to my house, would the police have entered my home in the middle of the night unannounced with full force and engaged my boyfriend in a firefight that killed me where I lie in my bed? No. It is likely they would have decided to question to me first, and I WOULD STILL BE ALIVE. #BreonnaTaylor #blackwhilesleeping
If I was playing video games with my nephew, and left my door open for some fresh air and a neighbor called the police to come CHECK ON ME, the police would not have shot me through my window and lied about seeing a weapon on me. I WOULD STILL BE ALIVE. #AtatianaJefferson #blackwhileathome
If I were pulled over with my significant other and young child in the car and disclosed to the officer that I had my legal weapon in the vehicle, I would NOT be shot while reaching for my license in front of my child and spouse. I WOULD STILL BE ALIVE. #PhilandroCastile #blackwhiledriving #blackwhilecomplying
If I were accused of selling cigarettes on the sidewalk and there was an escalation leading to my arrest, I would not have been tackled by 5 officers. I would not have been choked to death while repeating that I could not breathe while one officer refused to stop choking me and another pressed my face into the pavement. I WOULD STILL BE ALIVE. #ICANTBREATHE #EricGarner #blackwhilestanding
If I was an active duty Marine Sergeant who was just in a car crash with my two daughters, and failed to show my hands to officers while showing a “mean” expression I would NOT have been shot and killed in front of my daughters. In fact, I would have probably received the fastest ambulance response available for myself and my daughters. Regardless, I WOULD STILL BE ALIVE. #ManuelLogginsJr #blackwhileinneed
If my family and I were in search of food and shelter after one of the nations most horrific natural disasters, I would NOT have been shot in the back and killed next while the remaining 5 members of my family were wounded in the gunfire, and one other killed. I WOULD STILL BE ALIVE. #RonaldMaddison #JamesBrisette #blackwhilesurviving
If I was suspected of a crime, and when stopped and asked for identification by police I reached for my wallet, I would not have been shot 19 times as an unarmed person. I WOULD STILL BE ALIVE #AmadouDiallo #blackwhilewalking #blackwhilecomplying
This is not just about good cops and bad cops and poor judgement. Because there are things that lead UP to this.
If I were birdwatching in a public park, and a woman came around the corner with her dog off leash, then refuse to leash him when I asked her to, would she have weaponized calling the police as a means to intimidate me? Would she then have falsely claimed on that call that I was threatening her life and safety? No, she would not have. #ChristianCooper #BlackWhileBirdwatching
Oh, you’re tired of reading? I am TIRED of people of color being senselessly murdered and then vilified afterwards.
I will NEVER know what it is to walk in the shoes of any person of color. But I do know that it is my job to stand beside EVERY person of color and become an activist that helps dismantle the system that has been set up to empower me and people who look like me to get away with acts of hate every single day.
(I did not write this- full credit to original poster Jillian Marie)
In condolences of all #BlackLivesMatter lost,
Posted on May 18, 2020
Happy May Day! (Or May Month 🙂
I always loved creating May Day baskets when I was a little girl. “Sneaking” up and putting my baskets on my neighbors doors, ringing the bell and then running back to my moms car. Squeeling and “hoping” they didn’t catch me. (I’m sure the car was a dead give-away ;p )
I continue to be curious by my process as well as the collectives by the Coronavirus. What I’ve been noticing for myself these last few weeks are many feelings I am not used too. Feelings that have developed from all the space and slow down provided by this pandemic.
As of late, I’ve been feeling feelings like contentment, simplicity, basic-ness, boredom, and a little sadness, loneliness and depression. No so much on the latter ones; the sadness, loneliness and depression came in waves a few different days, and I did my best to just let them be here and not create too many stories about what to do with them or how long they’ll stay.
I am more interested in the contentment, simplicity and boredom. I don’t know that I have ever really felt contentment for extended periods of time. Contentment is usually a fleeting feeling for me that never stays around for very long, before I usually push it away with my eagerness, ambition and excitement to create something, do something, or learn something new. Thoughts will pop up, wondering if I “should be doing something” while experiencing contentment. I’ll notice fear arise and think maybe I’m missing something or forgetting something. I have to assure myself that I’m not, and if I am, it’s okay, it will get noticed when the time is right – even if it’s late – I can make up for it then.
This is a totally new experience for me, to let myself have more space to let things happen as they happen, and not frenetically worry about missing things or getting behind. Historically I have kept myself on a much shorter leash, and I’m seeing how that’s created a lot more anxiety for myself and tension in my body. I’m allowing myself to relax more through life and it feels like such a gift and weird at the same time.
Then there’s this new concept of simplicity I’ve been exploring. I have NEVER wanted a simple life. I’ve always liked a lot going on and have known myself to be a mover and shaker and a busy body. Well, thank you again, Coronavirus, for introducing me to a new part of myself that sees the beauty and peacefulness of Simplicity. What I like about simplicity is: it’s always one thing at a time, just a few things a day, no multitasking, no over-doing it, it’s Ease, and Flow, and what feels good. I grew up on a farm with a family that I would say lives pretty simply. I didn’t really like it and could never understand why they did as I craved more action. But now I’m seeing why they like it – it’s definitely more settling to the nervous system! I’m also seeing true joy arise from enjoying the “simple” things in life. I’ve recently been really enjoying the simplicity of cooking, baking and just taking care of my partner, pets, plants and home.
I relate simplicity to basic-ness. In living more of a basic life, I’ve actually been feeling more connected to Source. I’ve been hearing Spirits guidance much more clearly and my clairvoyance has heightened. I know this is due to less noise in my field. Less outside influences, less commitments and responsibilities, less obligations. I’ve been asking my guides how to keep this level of clarity once the commitments and responsibilities fill back in when the Virus lifts, and I continue to hear that I’m going to have keep this slower pace, regardless of whether or not the world does.
Then there’s boredom. Man, I was fighting boredom last week. The feelings that accompanied boredom were uninspired, dull, bleak, bland, heavy, blaaaaaaahhhhhh…lololollol yuck! I notice that I really don’t like this feeling! And then I get curious, what is it about this feeling I don’t like? I don’t like that it makes me feel “un-alive” “unproductive” annndd…unworthy. If I’m not doing something or expressing or creating, then who am I and what is my worth? I still feel massive resistance to this feeling. I can feel it in my chest and stomach. I ask myself to give it space and allow it to be there. More processing on this one. I remember really not liking being bored as a kid and I would “busy myself” with play and make believe and always find something to do. This was required living out in the country with no other kids around. I learned how to keep myself occupied because I had too. Otherwise I’d drive myself and my parents nuts! Like all things, I see this as a blessing – I can nearly entertain myself at all costs – and it has a shadow aspect – I’ve trained myself to always be entertained.
Out of all this, I feel that I have changed, or perhaps more accurately said, am Becoming more that Source designed me to be. Removing layers of busy-ness, and over-doing and over-giving. Which were all masking a feeling of unworthiness (If I do this and create this and give this, will I be enough? Will that make me worthy?) I see how the unworthiness wound has been shedding, and I’ve been in transition to understand my worth not from what I do, but who I am. From the simplicity of my Being-ness. I know that this one will take time to unravel, as so much who I’ve known myself to be is a doer, a creator, an express-or, and who am I without those things? What’s under that? Who’s under that? I can feel my ego grow weary as the truth comes to light that these are just attachments I had to a version of myself, but not mySelf.
Naturally being a more introverted person with my Tarot Master card being the Hermit, there’s a part of me that feels like I could go on living like this forever – in living quietly, simply, inward, in meditation and contemplation with Source – so I am very grateful for this time to deeply go within. However, I also know that where I come to know myself is magnified in the reflection of another, and what is our purpose being here in physical form if we’re not connecting with other humans?
Thank you for witnessing me and my feelings process. It is in your seeing me that I am healed and come to Know Thyself. Deep down I know that my inner Hermit needs friends and support too.
I am curious to know what feelings you have been experiencing as we’ve undergone this very different time in history. What feelings have you met with resistance? What feelings have you welcomed from this experience? How has the Coronavirus impacted you emotionally? I’d love to hear your thoughts and reflections.
That is all I write to you today beloveds. I truly hope you and yours are healthy and receiving the endless miracles the Divine is sending to humanity at this time. Please let me know how I can be of service to your heart <3
If you’d like extra support to assist you in these unprecedented times I am here to be a space of safety, compassion and truth in managing your frequency from Fear to Love. I am extending my offer of 20% off Remote Energy Processing sessions through June 1. 60minute sessions only. To schedule click my Calendly link HERE.
In reflection of my feelings,
Posted on April 15, 2020
It is always so curious to me that given the day I finally sit down and choose to write this, I could be coming from such a vastly different space than I was when I thought about writing it yesterday or last week. The human experience itself is complex, add in a global pandemic and we’re really in for a ride!
I chose to write this today because I’m very much in my heart. You know that feeling after you have been undergoing a lot of highly emotional situations and once you’re on the other side of them, that feeling in your heart that it finally feels like it’s holding less, but is still somewhat heavy from the weight? You feel exhausted from the feelings-process and may be still grieving and holding some sorrow? That’s where I am today.
My heart is open, full, and drained at the same time.
When the Stay at Home Order for Covid came into place I heard my Higher Self say it was finally time for me to address some not-so-fun situations in my life. That I would have the extra space to process my emotions, so I needed to stop thinking about doing said things and to look my fear straight in the eye and do them. No one said the transformational path was easy, right?
So, last week I began writing letters to friends from childhood that I felt liked needed mending. 4 total, and I started with what I felt like would be the easiest – practice right?- and built from there. Last week’s letters went well. Although they were still somewhat uncomfortable to write as I nervously put myself out there to address any incompletion, the acts were well received and harmony was restored.
Then, this week I finished my last one. The most difficult where I had the most “skin in the game” so to say, and it’s been pretty brutal. It was not received as well, and harmony has not been restored. I suspected as much, but it still hasn’t made it any easier to grapple with. Its brought up a lot from my past. When I was young and immature and frankly, just messed up in this friendship. Not intentionally, just being my young self at the time. We both did, but most of it seems to be falling more on my shoulders.
This experience has been causing me to look really deeply at myself. To sit in lots of uncomfortable emotions and feel them. To fully acknowledge my screw ups and stand in my humility and ask forgiveness.
Synchronistically, right at this same time I made a huge mistake and accidentally cut my fur baby Rico’s leg. Him and I are soulmates and always seem to be matching each other move for move. I get hurt, he gets hurt. I take a blow, he takes a blow. Well, his leg has been going through a healing process this past 1.5 weeks a lot like my heart has; and just last night, when we think he’s out of the dark and his wound has pretty much healed, he begins limping and holding his leg up.
This happened right after I also had a huge breakdown around this one last friendship I was trying to mend. The pain of potentially losing her after 20 years of close friendship cut me to the bone – just like my boys – and I collapsed in an anxious fit and sorrow. I’ve hurt my baby boy and one of my former best friends. Man, today is a hard day.
Rico and I stayed up pretty much all night. Him agitated from the pain he was in and unable to express it to me. Me fearing all of his pacing around, in sorrow and grief about how I messed up with him and my friend, feeling frozen in fight / flight as I questioned my whole life and we held each other. (Yeah it was one of those nights) and I couldn’t wait for daylight so I could call the vet and get him in for an appointment.
Well, the good news is Rico’s going to be okay. He’s healing just fine, and what I learned from Rico is that after I hurt him he forgave me right away. I didn’t even need to apologize and he let it go. Just like that. He was still hurt, there’s a wound, but he didn’t hang onto anything.
So I’ve been in a similar process myself. Learning how to forgive myself, not beat myself up, and move on. Regardless of whether my friend forgives me, to tend to my own wounds, forgive myself and move on. I don’t have it down-pat like Rico, but I’m present to it and practicing his process.
Then I look at Covid-19 and I see that the whole world is in a forgiveness process right now. Us humans asking forgiveness from Mother Earth. For how much we’ve destructed and taken from her, while she has relentlessly given to us. We are in a forgiveness practice with each other. How we’ve ignored and been too busy to see or care for one another.
And most importantly, we are in a forgiveness practice with ourselves. How much we beat ourselves up for making mistakes when we’re in Life school. Learning the curriculum and doing the best we can.
Rico recognized my hurting him immediately as an accident and forgave. Can you do that for yourself? I think one of the purposes Covid came through was to insert a forced slow down so we can reflect and give space to the thing we so often put off – the cry of our own hearts.
Maybe this time isn’t so much for a “doing and creating something out there” but doing and creating something In Here. In the heart space. I believe that’s where we’re headed. A place where structures and programs not created in heart coherence will continue to collapse and fall. That as we move into 5D there will be less matching frequency to uphold unaligned systems.
I know for myself I have not been able to produce anything at this time because I continue to hear my guides say now is not the time for that. Now is the time for the heart-space. To be quiet. Internal and in the heart. To develop compassion and forgiveness. That if you’re going to create, make sure it’s from the heart space, because nothing else is going to matter in the end.
That is all I write to you today beloveds. I truly hope you and yours are healthy and receiving the endless miracles the Divine is sending to humanity at this time. Please let me know how I can be of service to your heart <3
If you’d like extra support to assist you in these unprecedented times I am here to be a space of safety, compassion and truth in managing your frequency from Fear to Love. I am offering 20% off Virtual 60 Minute Energy sessions through April 27. To schedule click my Calendly link HERE.