November Newsletter

Dear Beloveds, 

The truth is what is dear & meaningful to me may not be to others

I see that I will assume everyone else is coming from my core values that I not only speak & preach, but walk & continuously seek

That my roots raised in the country grew me up straight like a cornstalk
seeds my father planted over & over again
monotonous repetition of tending, patience, & timing

Rooted in stability
humbleness & humility

Praying for rain when too much sun
and then sun when too much rain

Gratitude no matter what
and God serving in all conditions
having faith in the road given

Compassion, love & forgiveness for all
was the harmony humming in the background of my home
creating & sustaining the pace
how to walk with grace

Building my bones into moral goodness
how to offer care & give space

As a little girl sitting in the pew on Sundays
remembering the scripture of Jesus being read on repeat
of original guilt & sin
“they know not what they do” 
and it is often true

So forgive & forget I go
because as I am told
to not bare a grudge or behold

But as I grew I noticed there were many things not being said
a sweeping under the rug became normalized
a habitual response
and the aliveness grew dead

A gap started to form between what I was taught & feeling
I didn’t want to lose my virtue of forgiveness
but no one was talking or teaching
or at least I wasn’t receiving
the steps to get to such a healing

So after each atrocity & attack endured
the burden grew bigger & expanded
the lines became a blur

The weight of not being granted the
or space for me, to process me

Give it to God they said
and so I did
a divine gift & relationship I would never want to perish or regret

But what about all these feelings & words left unsaid?
what about my heart & how it burns with pain so deep I can’t comprehend it in my head?

Swallowing & repression
repression & swallowing
push it down
push it down
push it down was the literature I read

We don’t understand your feelings & your emotions are inappropriate
so quiet I became
and loss was to blame

Clench your teeth
bite your tongue
pull back
pull back
pull back
show no weakness

This space is not safe for your brokenheartedness & hurt feelings
toughen up
“be strong like the cornstalk” would ring in my ears

But the body doesn’t lie & became heavy with despair & tears
hope had left the eyes
and the chest swelled with fear

Sickness & dis-ease grew with a complete resignation to
“this is just how things are, how life is’
no inquiry or curiosity into its source or origination
giving up all power to the doctors, their authority & creation

It’s cancer
we must cut this out
they said

It’s your heart
we must put in this device
they said

You have relapsed
your cancer has returned
again & again & again
they said
we must cut this thing out & radiate you with poison to get rid of the poison 

Ok, they said
you know better than me
you know me, better than me
as they were taught to believe

Desperate for relief & instilled with the belief that God lives externally
so I bow my head & take the punishment instead
I must surrender, trust & believe
have faith & keep going
take my steps everyday no matter the cost
no matter that my body is dying & bleeding
you must
you must keep going

And it’s true that as humans we need to build resiliency
because sometimes people are not nice & the world can be cruel & evil

But one’s own discernment is a necessary skill worth developing

To know when to say enough is enough
this is what I’m feeling
this is what I’m needing
above all potential loss of anything & anyone else
that my heart matters too
and that it’s not all love & light

Yes that is my prayer
my core value & orientation
and we can get into all kinds of philosophical conversations about the distinctions of my current observation 

But exercising my throat & activating my voice 
are necessary & needed
it’s time to step into the courageous part of me that’s been deep inside
often hidden
but waiting for its moment all along to say

This is me
it may not be pretty or what you want to hear
but this is what I need
above all else & your tears
even as my empathetic heart wimpers & wears
this is what’s missing & I need to receive

Standing firmly as the cornstalk
as my father taught me
by model  
but not so much words or creativity

However this is the lineage of family my soul agreed too
there’s no getting out now
and it must be accurate
because I know God always puts me where I am meant to be

So I must carry out the vulnerable & scary duty of speaking to what’s there for me
after all, it was planted in the seeds
I can feel it
a perpetual unstoppable weed 

To not just model the values instilled
but to speak them
give them air
veracity & velocity
if necessary

This is my evolution
grant myself the right to breathe
share & sing my melody
so the words don’t die in me, like I’ve seen

To carry on with potential & possibility
and contribute my core values of love & service, to humanity

Thank you for being here, reading & receiving my prayer.

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