Posted on September 14, 2023
Happy September! I am just about to come upon my new solar year, and I’m feeling there is so much I could say about what I’ve been experiencing, learning, realizing, embodying and what I’d like to appreciate and celebrate. So let’s get into it!
First, what I’ve been experiencing: As we grow in our awareness there is little we can hide from anymore and 2023 has been a heavy year of shadow work for me. There has been a lot of inner conflict as I have fought to see/not see parts of myself that I have feared. Spirit has been directing me into feeling layers of repressed guilt and shame, and it’s required a lot of heavy lifting to bear. I’ve had to face the judgments I’ve had of myself and allow them to be true so I could stand in the fire and let them burn. I am what I fear until I no longer fear it. So surrender and allowing the dark underbelly of my soul to come up has been required, and over time as I focus on compassionately loving these parts, they have shifted into things I no longer resist, rather, accept.
Second, what I’ve been learning: Hello Boundaries!! Throughout this year my health started to wain again and I could not figure out what the source of the issue was. I was throwing everything but dog food at my symptoms and nothing was shifting how off I felt. When Venus went retrograde July 22nd, I felt everything out of alignment in my relationships come to the surface and hit me in the face. Throughout August I was undergoing the realization that I could no longer run from what’s out of balance, needed to take a deep look at my own patterns of self-betrayal, and had to courageously turn toward and stand in all the ways I HAD BEEN co-creating and contributing to the chaos I’ve felt due to not setting, holding and honoring boundaries. Not only with others, but with myself.
I sat in a training a few weekend’s ago where the leader displayed extremely clear, strong boundaries and direction. I was in awe of how grounded and present he was, and how he carried himself with such strength and spoke with clarity of mind and voice. He directed others supporting the group and us participants with clear direction and precision. I witnessed some in the group not take this very well at first. You could tell his structure and directness rubbed some of them wrong at first. Like, they didn’t know how to take someone speaking to them without fluff, beating around the bush, or coddling. I saw a few in the support group react to him with looks of, “who does this guy think he is?” at first, and, “man, that felt kind of rude or harsh” and others just plain puzzled because they’d never experienced someone be so direct in telling them the rules and their roles.
But as time went on, the groups discomfort and judgment of the leader became understanding of how this session worked and people fell into the comfort and clarity of knowing their roles and where the lines were. Eventually the leader and the support staff developed a repore and began having fun with each in the space. I was amazed at what I was seeing. The leader was displaying the Divine Masculine core principles of how to create, structure and organize a space. He was consistent and predictable throughout the entire thing, I always knew where he stood. He was present and reliable to the groups needs and persistent in reminding us to focus and pay attention. I finally started to realize what was happening. His clear, embodied boundaries were teaching my masculine energy of how to behave.
Contrast is truly a wonderful thing because it shows us where we need to grow. Through watching this man, I was able to see what healthy masculine energy was, how it looked, how it behaves, and the actions necessary I needed to take to clean up mine. His display of clear, firm boundaries not only gave me permission to create the same for myself, but that it is absolutely imperative that I instill boundaries because the lack of them is the very thing that’s been making me sick.
Whew. I saw from this experience that the core principle that has been creating my life to be so chaotic and out of whack has been a deeply engrained pattern of not setting and honoring boundaries. Up until this session, I was still circulating in the space of feeling like boundaries were rude, that they didn’t contain love and were harsh, but after this, I see clearly. Boundaries create the container to hold relationships with self and others in health and harmony and are absolutely necessary for relationships to deepen and love to grow.
Boundaries teach us how to treat ourselves and others how to treat us. Without boundaries, respect diminishes and relationships don’t have the necessary structure to hold them together and the people become unwell. I have been searching and searching for what the root cause of my health issues has been for years and after it getting worse in the last 4 months, I finally got my answer. I haven’t been consistent in holding boundaries that take care of me. Boundaries are a form of self-care and it’s necessary to instill them for survival and if you care to thrive in this life. No more giving everything away. Boundaries leave energy for Self.
Third, what I’ve been realizing: The thing I’ve been fearing is just me. It’s just me! When I rub up against a part of myself my culture and conditioning has told me is wrong, that I’ve labeled as shameful, it just blocks me from experiencing me. That the fear coming up is actually arising as a GIFT for me to know myself deeper, and that I have a choice in how I relate to what arises. When I feel scared of what’s coming up, I get locked in a web of pain, illusion and resistance, and get super confused and lost. The more fear I direct toward the thing, the farther away I must get from it to protect myself. In undergoing all this deep shadow work, I realized I have a Choice in what I make the fears mean and if I shift to offering compassion to them, I regain my Agency and integrate them much more quickly. They are no longer fears only living in my head, I breathe them down into my body, wrap them up in my heart, and ask Spirit for assistance. If I remain in my mind, I get stuck and go round and round with them in an endless loop of struggle.
Fourth, what I’ve been embodying: Due to the choppy terrain of this year’s shadow work I’ve had to practice a lot of trusting the unknown, letting go, and flowing with the adversity instead of against it. I could no longer use my hyper-masculine skills of strong-arming my way out of the pain, I had to surrender to the feminine and allow. As a result I’ve embodied a lot more flow into my nervous system and my auto responses have shifted from force to flow. Instead of seeing something I don’t like and pushing against it, I’ve had to turn toward and flow with to reduce the discomfort.
Fifth, what I appreciate: There is so much I’d like to acknowledge appreciation for in my life. First, the support and love of my partner, friends, family and community. Without you I would not be able to grow this big. Second, I’d like to appreciate my body for chugging along and doing its very best to keep up with my ascension symptoms and heal. Third, I’d like to appreciate my ability to be courageous and my continuous pursuit in traveling into the unknown. Fourth, I’d like to send my appreciation out to Spirit. Thank you for always having my back, guiding the way, and making life so much more wonderful in connection to you!
Sixth & last, what I’d like to celebrate: I’d like to celebrate just how beautiful life can be if we choose that! There is utter magic all around us if we just change our internal camera lens. I celebrate that expansion is happening and humans are in the process of realizing their authentic selves!
Thank you all for being here with me on planet Earth at this time. Your witnessing of me adds to my creation, and my witnessing of you helps me learn and grow. Cheers to the highest and best for this next solar return!
In Spiritual Service,