June Newsletter

Dear Beloveds,

Happy Father’s Day week if you celebrate it. Even if you don’t, perhaps looking into why that is & being curious if any resistance is present could provide access to new awareness and healing around your relationship with your father & the masculine.

The topic of the Masculine and my father has been a lifelong journey of healing and discovering para mi:

  • Coming in as a wee babe, 1st there is: What is the masculine & who is this guy holding me because I came out of a woman & you’re not her. So there’s some essential bonding & assimilating to do with this “new person” because this man did not carry me and I know it. Like, who is this guy, why is he the chosen one & what does he provide me? Do I feel safe with him & do I like him?
  • As I grew I became a daddy’s girl & we were close. I was ecstatically in love with him & thought the world of him. He was the most incredible man on the planet. No one could compare to my daddy.
  • He was able to be silly & we could laugh, we had our own inside jokes & I got to spend time with him if we were doing his things – farm work & race car things. But then as I aged and became an angsty teenager who had no interest in those things, I began noticing all the ways he was not meeting my emotional needs in our relationship. How much I felt alone, abandoned, with supreme unmet needs for his love, attention and energy. It was like, “okay you’re here if I’m doing your things, what makes you feel comfortable, but you’re unable to reciprocate & meet me anywhere outside of the emotions of happy & content.” Therefore I didn’t feel like I could be myself or like we could relate so I began to cut myself off from him, & I felt like he was doing that from me — who really knows though.
  • Of course I didn’t have access to this understanding consciously at the time, nor the verbiage to articulate my feelings, and neither did he – or the energy with his state of health – so our bond started to fade, and what little was left of the physical, emotional presence was gone. 
  • It’s like we became strangers in body but I still feel to this day that our souls were, and always have been deeply connected. 
  • I’ve honored and adored that man perhaps more than what he deserved, but needed. Looking back, I see he needed a lot of empathy for all the shit he was going through & was truly doing his best to keep things together. And me being who I came in as, I pushed him to grow & expand emotionally – or as we’d call it on the farm – I raised hell and truly gave him a run for his money.
  • I didn’t make it easy on him. Unconsciously, I pressed my family to open up emotionally and to stop suppressing their feelings. How much this actually worked, I have no idea, it actually seemed to have the opposite effect for a while :/ but I do know that just the fact that I was so emotionally open, vast & complex had their ears perked with a lot of questions, uncertainties & hestitations. They were out of their league & I was trying to fit in a place where I wanted to belong, but at my core, didn’t feel like I did. I typically felt like I was somewhere else.
  • I could tell I was different from about 4yrs old and this brought up a lot of shame & strife because naturally, a child wants to belong to their family. But when that isn’t naturally so, it’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I so desparately wanted to belong, but honestly couldn’t relate most of the time and I think they felt the same way.
  • It’s challenging to be the child who chooses to come into a family & wake everyone up to something outside their belief systems, lifestyle, & ask them to be more authentically connected to their heart/emotions & body-self-care.
  • It can be lonely and terrifying as you’re outcasted from your original tribe – whether intentionally, unconsciously or not. Where does one go if they don’t feel understood by their blood kin? For me withdrawn, isolated, and inside. Holding a lot in.
  • To be fair I know my mother and father and family have done their best to understand the unique, different being I am, and I thank them for that. Even I have undergone much challenge in bringing understanding to myself, someone who is supremely sensitive and empathic and naturally absorbs the energy of others & this Universe for so long & who forever, didn’t have the tools to transform that energy out of my body & back into the world.
  • I can still get caught up & tricked by this and end up with weird health symptoms that put me in bed for days.
  • Thank God to all my teachers, healer’s and plant medicine I met on my path that provided me the tools, awareness, space and grace to transform my pain into my purpose & live my dharma. Without the contract mi familia provided me, I would not have been able to grow into the sovereign soul that I am, here and able to to be in service of the Love, Light & Healing Lisa Lola Healing Arts purposefully provides.
  • At this point I give praise to my father. He was his own person in his own way. He was no bullshit. Honest. Authentic. Consistent. Reliable. Dependable. Had strong moral codes & ethics. Held himself firmly to being a man of his word & doing what he had too for his family, even if he was sick and dying. He was also quite intuitive and tapped in, Spiritually connected and aware – imagine that right? I bow to him deeply for the clean and clear character he instilled in me.
  • And yet, as Father’s day is approaching this week, I began to feel agitated last Sunday. I noticed a slight trigger witnessing a man and his daughter interracting, and I felt angry & hurt because I didn’t get to have that. I felt shorted and slighted and it pissed me off. Doing so many years of deep heart opening work & turning my language of fear into love supported me in connecting to what was truly going on for me: My needs for love, attention, adoration, and connection with a man – the man – were ummet. I was able to provide myself self-empathy to connect and heal my inner child wound and grown my inner and outer beloved.

Now for the grand finale, what did father teach me? The darkness is always our greatest teacher toward the light of empowerment, so what does that mean specifically?

  • To this day, 15 years later, I am still processing the¬†wound of feeling abandoned by my father, however I have more inner resources to handle the pain and tools to where I can hold the¬†energy with spaciousness, compassion & care for myself. Here’s the core essence of what he taught me:
    • He was truly doing the best he could & had the inner resources to do so 
    • He did love me even if he didn’t say it or act interested
    • I miss him like hell and to this day there is nothing I wouldn’t give to feel his energy, Live, in person again. The lesson that love can carry on, if we’re willing to forgive & let go.
    • And yet, I release the last wish of getting to see him in person again because if that were to come true, I’d lose my most precious gift of all from him:
      • The greatest lesson he taught me when he died, is that there is Life after Death. That the Spirit lives on once the body dies. Not just for him, but as a Universal Law. He showed me this is true for everyone. From that moment my world expanded in a way I never knew possible or had any reference or access too. And I know it’s true because I feel him and connect with him every day. 

So although he couldn’t show up for me as much as we both wanted in the physical realm, he’s doing a helluva job in the astral. 

Thank you papi, from the depths and bottom of my heart & soul: I LOVE YOU.

If you’d like guidance & support in releasing your fears or grievances, or desire support in receiving greater clarity and understanding of your life’s purposeful design, Click Here to book a 1:1 Spiritual Counseling Session so you too can learn how to alchemitize your pain into fuel for your light & get you aligned with the beautiful, magnetic being you are!

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To the expansion of Love,