Posted on November 16, 2020
This past week I have been exploring this fear that lives deep inside my heart. It hurts. It feels tight and contracted. Ancient and new. To be completely honest, it has been scaring the shit out of me. I so badly wish to tuck it away, never to be felt or glimpsed again, but deep down, I know I am meant to feel this.
How do I know I am meant to feel this? Because it’s here. It’s part of me. A long lost forgotten part desiring to be seen, felt and heard. To be gotten in a way that I’ve never known. But my small self says, “this is extremely painful and hard work!” to go toward the thing I most resist…takes great courage, softening, patience and commitment to my Higher Whole.
When I quiet down and listen, I hear it calling me forth to see this fear as specific, unique, information that is liberation for my soul. Whispering, “don’t you dare to know yourself in a way you never have before?” Its roar is loud and can be frightening. If I don’t listen it gets louder….and what’s so freeing is that when I do stop and give it my attention, it calms down.
Oh how freeing it is to go into the internal flames of the soul and come out alive on the other side!! I can see that my fear, these so called dark places inside of me, want to be known, they want to be a part of me, they desire to be integrated so that I can be more of me that I came here to Be. Those same flames that I believe will take me down to my death, are the exact same energies that will fuel my life in new and untold ways.
In deepening into these truths, I feel my chest soften and I give a big, releasing exhale. Yes, this is what I came here for. I’m remembering now. I see that I had forgotten my one undying truth.
That I AM the one I’ve always been looking for. That I hold the keys to everything I desire. And to truly, fully receive the fullness of my Being, I must dive deep, into the coldest, loneliness places of my heart and take care of the one that longs for mommy and daddy to hold her, love her, and tell her that everything’s going to be okay.
I AM my Mother. I AM my Father. I Am my Child, Sibling and Best Friend.
I AM the Romantic Partner I so ignorantly believed could be fulfilled outside of me.
Let it be known that everything I seek outside is to be redirected and found within.
I ask myself to soften into these anxious monsters that live inside my heart and allow them to Be. I breathe and give them acceptance. You are a part of me, it would be so silly to deny your truth. I ask myself to fully receive them.
To no longer run from myself. But to run toward the places within me that need me most.
Hold them. Love them. Give them my compassion and forgiveness.
I unchain myself from the conditioned restrictions, limiting beliefs and cultural pain projected upon me from past, present and future timelines.
I ground, open and exhale.
Everything is material for my liberation. ~Yajrayogini