Posted on April 15, 2020
It is always so curious to me that given the day I finally sit down and choose to write this, I could be coming from such a vastly different space than I was when I thought about writing it yesterday or last week. The human experience itself is complex, add in a global pandemic and we’re really in for a ride!
I chose to write this today because I’m very much in my heart. You know that feeling after you have been undergoing a lot of highly emotional situations and once you’re on the other side of them, that feeling in your heart that it finally feels like it’s holding less, but is still somewhat heavy from the weight? You feel exhausted from the feelings-process and may be still grieving and holding some sorrow? That’s where I am today.
My heart is open, full, and drained at the same time.
When the Stay at Home Order for Covid came into place I heard my Higher Self say it was finally time for me to address some not-so-fun situations in my life. That I would have the extra space to process my emotions, so I needed to stop thinking about doing said things and to look my fear straight in the eye and do them. No one said the transformational path was easy, right?
So, last week I began writing letters to friends from childhood that I felt liked needed mending. 4 total, and I started with what I felt like would be the easiest – practice right?- and built from there. Last week’s letters went well. Although they were still somewhat uncomfortable to write as I nervously put myself out there to address any incompletion, the acts were well received and harmony was restored.
Then, this week I finished my last one. The most difficult where I had the most “skin in the game” so to say, and it’s been pretty brutal. It was not received as well, and harmony has not been restored. I suspected as much, but it still hasn’t made it any easier to grapple with. Its brought up a lot from my past. When I was young and immature and frankly, just messed up in this friendship. Not intentionally, just being my young self at the time. We both did, but most of it seems to be falling more on my shoulders.
This experience has been causing me to look really deeply at myself. To sit in lots of uncomfortable emotions and feel them. To fully acknowledge my screw ups and stand in my humility and ask forgiveness.
Synchronistically, right at this same time I made a huge mistake and accidentally cut my fur baby Rico’s leg. Him and I are soulmates and always seem to be matching each other move for move. I get hurt, he gets hurt. I take a blow, he takes a blow. Well, his leg has been going through a healing process this past 1.5 weeks a lot like my heart has; and just last night, when we think he’s out of the dark and his wound has pretty much healed, he begins limping and holding his leg up.
This happened right after I also had a huge breakdown around this one last friendship I was trying to mend. The pain of potentially losing her after 20 years of close friendship cut me to the bone – just like my boys – and I collapsed in an anxious fit and sorrow. I’ve hurt my baby boy and one of my former best friends. Man, today is a hard day.
Rico and I stayed up pretty much all night. Him agitated from the pain he was in and unable to express it to me. Me fearing all of his pacing around, in sorrow and grief about how I messed up with him and my friend, feeling frozen in fight / flight as I questioned my whole life and we held each other. (Yeah it was one of those nights) and I couldn’t wait for daylight so I could call the vet and get him in for an appointment.
Well, the good news is Rico’s going to be okay. He’s healing just fine, and what I learned from Rico is that after I hurt him he forgave me right away. I didn’t even need to apologize and he let it go. Just like that. He was still hurt, there’s a wound, but he didn’t hang onto anything.
So I’ve been in a similar process myself. Learning how to forgive myself, not beat myself up, and move on. Regardless of whether my friend forgives me, to tend to my own wounds, forgive myself and move on. I don’t have it down-pat like Rico, but I’m present to it and practicing his process.
Then I look at Covid-19 and I see that the whole world is in a forgiveness process right now. Us humans asking forgiveness from Mother Earth. For how much we’ve destructed and taken from her, while she has relentlessly given to us. We are in a forgiveness practice with each other. How we’ve ignored and been too busy to see or care for one another.
And most importantly, we are in a forgiveness practice with ourselves. How much we beat ourselves up for making mistakes when we’re in Life school. Learning the curriculum and doing the best we can.
Rico recognized my hurting him immediately as an accident and forgave. Can you do that for yourself? I think one of the purposes Covid came through was to insert a forced slow down so we can reflect and give space to the thing we so often put off – the cry of our own hearts.
Maybe this time isn’t so much for a “doing and creating something out there” but doing and creating something In Here. In the heart space. I believe that’s where we’re headed. A place where structures and programs not created in heart coherence will continue to collapse and fall. That as we move into 5D there will be less matching frequency to uphold unaligned systems.
I know for myself I have not been able to produce anything at this time because I continue to hear my guides say now is not the time for that. Now is the time for the heart-space. To be quiet. Internal and in the heart. To develop compassion and forgiveness. That if you’re going to create, make sure it’s from the heart space, because nothing else is going to matter in the end.
That is all I write to you today beloveds. I truly hope you and yours are healthy and receiving the endless miracles the Divine is sending to humanity at this time. Please let me know how I can be of service to your heart <3
If you’d like extra support to assist you in these unprecedented times I am here to be a space of safety, compassion and truth in managing your frequency from Fear to Love. I am offering 20% off Virtual 60 Minute Energy sessions through April 27. To schedule click my Calendly link HERE.